i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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