So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
