i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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