Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Randomize
