i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
