smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
