So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
