I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
