my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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