I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Damn victory sex feels great
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
