I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
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Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
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We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
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