Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Randomize
