That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
