I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Randomize
