One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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