This is not my ceiling
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
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