I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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