i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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