my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
