If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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