i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Randomize
