We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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