If that was your dad, he is hot
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Life without a bra equals bliss.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
