I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Couch. On fire.
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