Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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