Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Randomize
