Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
