I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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