Oh man dude like 1000 to 1500 milligrams. Its gonna burn like bad though.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Randomize
