Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
