my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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