I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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