I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
