Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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