I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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