You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
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Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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