what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
