Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Randomize
