he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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