I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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