Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
