Swine flu. Run for my life!
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
