My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
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