I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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