Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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