my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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