Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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