ya dads aren't the best wingmen
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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