Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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