I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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