Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Can you bring me the toilet please
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
