i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Randomize
