Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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