It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
