she woke up with a sticky ear
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
