i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
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